Strategies and benefits of doing it all together
It’s been a while since I’ve posted, due to a variety of exciting things in life: a new baby on the way (thankfully, morning sickness is behind us!), a major writing project that has been a dream of mine since childhood (stay tuned…), and the joys and challenges of raising three other children ages five and under. There’s never a dull moment!
Lately, one recurring theme for me has been the beauty of vulnerability, humility, and asking for help. Knowing that we all have our limits — and that we can strengthen our relationships by relying on each other — is very liberating, especially in a physically or logistically demanding time of life. The urge to “be superwoman” or “do it all” is real! Sometimes it’s very necessary to step back (or sit down!), take a breath, and separate what must be done from what I’d like to get done. I do believe that there’s a basic standard for cleanliness, order, and nutrition (for instance) in keeping a home peaceful, but the key is to avoid perfectionism and focus on loving people through what I am able to accomplish.
I’ve found that this theme can also be a great teaching tool in the family, even for young children. Seeing mommy tired or asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness but rather an invitation to them to be helpful, generous, and loving.
Between a series of interviews and a mother’s group talk I recently attended, I’ve gleaned some helpful ideas when it comes to working with the family to keep home a tidy and cheerful place — and the many benefits of doing so.
We’re all in this together
I often fall into the habit of separating “chore time” from “children time.” The first involves me taking care of a household task (starting the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, prepping dinner, etc) while the kids are occupied elsewhere (at school, playing with toys, or watching a calming show). The second involves dedicated play time with them. While there are times and places for each of those things, I’ve more recently found that a great middle way is to accomplish chores with the children. When it’s time to vacuum, I give my five-year-old and three-year-old little spray bottles and rags, and they go to town “cleaning” the windows. They also love helping me stir the pot for dinner, and after dinner, we’ve tried to involve everyone in clearing the dishes.
Why all the fuss? After all, having small children “help” is often (practically speaking) counterproductive. The chore takes longer, or they create more of a mess than mom would have liked! Still, it’s worth the effort. By getting them involved early, kids learn that they’re needed, that they are an important part of the family, and that as a family, we all work together to take care of our home. Mom is not the maid who does everything!
By encouraging everyone to do something (each according to his or her ability), we also build an atmosphere of loving service for the good of the whole family. This is especially true when we do it with the children, with a smile, and with a lot of affirmation and gratitude! And then, little by little, by doing those chores alongside us, they will learn how to actually sweep a floor well, wash a serving platter, or even fold the laundry! If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that even a two-year-old is far more capable than I would have guessed.
Start with one thing
It can feel overwhelming to decide where to start, especially when the kids seem to have disorderly habits left and right. One helpful tip I’ve learned is to focus on one thing at a time. With summer approaching, consider choosing one or two things to “deep train” a child on, depending on their age and ability. Maybe a five-year-old is ready to be relied on to make his own bed every day, so that becomes the chore goal of the summer. Maybe a twelve-year-old can learn to clean a bathroom. Maybe everyone can work on putting away shoes and jackets right after entering the house. Whatever it is, pick something to focus on for a summer, a month, or a week. If we do it alongside them, show them how, encourage them (not nag them!), and thank them joyfully whenever it’s done, we can steadily build a habit that will eventually become a “given” in the family routine.
Make a chore chart
This is one I want to tackle this summer, so once again, stay tuned! Even small children can understand clip-art photos, and the satisfaction of visually marking progress can be its own reward. Its already a great first step to have a daily and weekly routine of household tasks (see my post here for more), which my kids at home now just do alongside me (as they are able). A great next step is to give them a sense of ownership over a task so that they can master it. One veteran mom suggested rotating the chores no more than once a month. That amount of time allows the skill to grow enough for the little apprentice, while also giving them a regular change of pace. (This mom found that almost anyone can endure even a tiresome chore for a few weeks, knowing that they it won’t be their job forever).
The selection of assigned chores might also change depending on the time of year (school year vs. summer vacation, warm weather vs. cold weather, at home vs. family trip). Growing up, there was always a sibling in high school who spent a summer learning how to grocery shop for the family or be the “laundry captain.” Thanks to that training, we entered college and adulthood much more prepared than some of our peers!
Attitude is everything
Above all, an important goal is to instill the right attitude in carrying out these tasks. It’s not out of duty or force, and it’s certainly not a punishment. Rather, we want to encourage our kids to develop a spirit of service out of love for others (and for those with faith, for love of God).
We can name the virtue our kids are building as we praise them (“You’re so generous!” “Thanks for doing that with such cheerfulness.” “I’m really impressed by how patient and diligent you were in finishing that chore.”) There are also little nuggets of wisdom and encouragement we can sprinkle in while teaching a task, such as “Why don’t we think about the next person who will use this bathroom and leave it nice and clean for them” or “Exterior order creates interior peace!”
That kind of attitude of loving service grows when everyone learns that it’s noble to pick something up even if no one else sees, or that it’s a little act of heroism to unload the dishwasher without being asked. Fostering this kind of attitude then turns the chores into gestures of affection.
The challenge is that it’s on me and my husband to set that example as parents! The more we smile, affirm, show thanks, and offer to help, the more our kids will see that spirit of service brings a family together, and that brings joy.
Happy homemaking!
