Where were you the last time you had a great conversation with a family member or friend? Odds are you were chatting over a cup of coffee, a drink, or a meal. As humans, we bond over food, and that means that meals play an important role in family life. If we want to maintain healthy and strong family bonds, we need to set aside time to enjoy meals regularly together. Enter: family dinnertime.
I know that many families view the family dinner as a luxury they can no longer afford, given the hustle and bustle of work and extracurricular activities. But I also know that every family I know who has made time for family dinner at least once a week, if not every day, has benefited tremendously. But having a family dinner means more than getting everyone to sit down and eat at the same time. Here are a few practical tips I’ve learned about making that family meal doable and enjoyable for each person in your home.
Why focus on family dinner?
Historically, dinner has had a central location in the family schedule. In America, it usually takes place between 5:30 and 7:30pm, while some European countries have it earlier, around 2pm. Wherever it falls, dinner acts as a respite from the workaday world. It serves our physical health by giving us time to eat and digest a substantial dose of calories and nutrition from day to day. But it also boosts our emotional health by allowing us to unwind and nurture our relationships with those with whom we live. The following quote captures the special nature of dinner at home:
Breakfast prepares; dinner restores. Just as the purpose of breakfast is to send you out to your school or work fortified in mind and body, the purpose of dinner is to reclaim you for private life, pleasure, intimacy. Dinner is the most substantial meal of the day and the central daily event in the life of the home. It is the longest, largest, most elaborate meal, and it serves a variety of functions. Nutritionally, emotionally, and socially, dinner carries more of the burden than other meals of providing the benefits that derive from eating meals cooked at home.
Cheryl Mendelson, “Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner,” Home Comforts
In a word, dinner matters. I’ve found that whether I’m by myself, with my husband and baby, or crowding five siblings and myriad friends and cousins around my parents’ kitchen booth, making dinner special lifts the tone of home life and leaves everyone — including the chef — with a sense of pride, joy, and love for the people around them.
1. Set a regular time.
This can be tricky, given the variety of activities and meetings that can affect our schedule. Nevertheless, without any expectation of when to be seated at the table, family dinner is essentially a lost cause. To make it happen, I’ve found that tailoring the time to family circumstances is key. Growing up, my parents established a 7:30 dinnertime, which was the only realistic time for both my dad’s homeward commute and for us kiddos to get to bed at a decent hour. It was a late time, but it was definitely worth being able to eat all together and argue over whose turn it was to sit next to Daddy!
Work in Progress
If you find that getting the whole family to sit down together around the dinner table is an impossible feat, start small: Aim to have dinner all together once a week, then work your way up from there. In a parenting lecture I once attended, a father shared that after establishing family dinner once a week, they loved it so much that it didn’t take long to make it a daily practice!
Now, my husband and I shoot for a 6:30 dinnertime. Of course, flexibility must play a role here. If he’s running late, or if I have an event one evening, we let each other know and adjust dinnertime accordingly. Either way, having a plan helps avoid frustration and food getting cold on the table!
2. Plan and announce the menu.
Planning the dinner menu ahead of time brings peace of mind when preparing the meal, since I know I have all the necessary ingredients and time needed to cook. (Read my post about menu planning for more). What’s more, making the menu visible helps everyone to look forward to the meal.
Once I’ve set my menu for the day, I record it in my Google calendar, which my husband and I share, so he can see it as well. Another approach is to write the dinner menu on a whiteboard on the fridge, a chalkboard in the kitchen, or some other sign visible to people throughout the house. This simple chalkboard is a fun and handy touch to any kitchen, and this nifty board allows you to display and edit the menu for the whole week.
The key is to make it easily erasable so that you can update it each day and also make adjustments to the day’s plan as needed.
3. Set the scene.
A cheerful and relaxing home dinner doesn’t require bells and whistles; just a few simple touches. Mendelson suggests using a tablecloth, which not only protects your table but also adds a splash of color and formality. Table cloths are also fun to celebrate seasons; my family loves using a particular amber cloth for Thanksgiving, and a shimmery gold one suits the Christmas season perfectly. For a casual summer evening, a simple checkerboard cloth could do the trick. If table cloths are too much trouble for every night, place mats are a simple alternative that produces a similar effect. And if nothing else, in order to protect the table, I try to use trivets for hot or heavy plates (this silicone set turned out to be a fabulous wedding gift!) and to wipe down the table before and after the meal.
Another great way to spruce up the dinner table is with a centerpiece. This could be anything from a bouquet of flowers to a bowl of autumn leaves to your child’s latest Lego construction! Anything that speaks to your family’s personality or the current season adds a fun flair and draws the eye to the table, acting as a visible welcome. For more ideas on centerpieces, check out this article in Verily magazine.
Setting the table ahead of time completes the picture. Going off my menu plan, I determine what kinds of plates or bowls and utensils I need to set out for the meal. A weeknight dinner usually calls for a dinner plate, water glass, dinner knife, dinner fork, and napkin. You may choose to add a salad fork, which usually rests to the left of the dinner fork.
When serving soup as well as plated food, I usually rest the bowl on the plate and add a soup spoon to the right of the dinner knife. When in doubt about where to place utensils, think about the order of your meal. The outermost utensils correspond to whatever you intend people to eat first (such as salad or soup), and then you work your way inward. Traditionally, napkins sit on the left side of the plate (though you can also place it on top of the plate), and glasses go on the right.
Because of the beautiful variety of meals, traditions surrounding table settings offer us a wide range of plates, utensils, and glassware to work with depending on the meal and the occasion. I could dedicate another article just to the art of place settings, but for day-to-day purposes, this is the basic setup.
Finally, to complete the setup, it really pays off to remove all distractions. With the TV, phones, and other electronics off or out of the way (with the exception of a good dinner music playlist going on Spotify), everyone can focus on the meal and each other. Sometimes I like to dim the lights or light a candle for an extra special touch (but avoid putting scented candles on the table, as they will interfere with the food aromas).
Tip for Aligning a Place Setting
One neat trick for lining up your place setting nicely: Hold up three fingers and place them along the edge of the table (ring finger against the edge). Place the plate up against your pointer finger, then line up the bottom of your utensils with the bottom of the plate. This ensures that everything is set about one inch away from the edge — a good distance within reach but also safe from falling off the table.
With these little visual touches, I feel like I have created an environment that welcomes everyone and encourages them to focus on the event at hand: the opportunity to enjoy a meal and each other’s company together.
4. Choose a serving system.
This is a homemaking hack I’m especially excited about, since I recently read up about it. On many occasions, I’ve had to navigate a dinner table with serving plates crashing into each other as they’re being passed or a small table so crowded with plates that it feels like maneuvering an obstacle course to move each one! There are a few ways to avoid these debacles, but the general principle is to draw out the meal in phases. This doesn’t mean turning your weeknight dinner into an elaborate multi-course meal, but it does push back against the idea that everything in the meal needs to be on everyone’s plate all at once. Segmenting the serving process not only helps digestion but also creates a less crowded table and facilitates a rhythm that, in my experience, enhances the meal. I’ll list my favorite serving method first, but choose whichever one suits you best:
Take and pass: One person starts with the serving platter of the meal’s starter or side (salad, veggies, pasta, etc.), serves him or herself, then passes the platter to the person on his or her right. Once the platter has made its way all around the table, the starting person either parks it near him or herself (if there is room on the table) or sets it aside on a nearby sideboard or counter. Repeat with each element of the meal. The idea is to stagger the serving platters’ movement and to move them in the same direction. This ensures that each part of the meal gets to everyone (without having to reach over each other) while also preventing a crowded table. It also helps everyone pace themselves as they eat, making for a more pleasant and healthy eating experience. You can always have the platters go around again for seconds. Another nice thing about it is that you can take turns who gets to act as the first server and clearer.
Designated server: One person sits by a stack of plates and the serving platters, fills each plate, then passes it down the table. This method keeps each serving platter in one place (which can help prevent spills and broken platters) and also helps pace the meal. It is especially helpful when you have a main course that involves a lot of cutting and carving, such as a roast chicken.
Depending on the number of people at the table, it can also take longer than the take and pass method, but it can also be fun to take turns being the designated server.
Buffet: If you have a buffet piece of furniture, an island, or other counter to arrange the serving platters, this is especially handy for a casual weeknight dinner or party for many people. Have each person bring their plate to the buffet and line up to serve themselves. Though it can be a little disruptive to have people getting up from the table, it does clear up the table nicely and also helps everyone pace their eating (given you need to actually get up in order to get seconds).
Central serving: Some households that have a large enough table for a party or large family use a Lazy Susan or a runner with platters of food sitting in the middle. With the Lazy Susan (which works best with a round table), each person can serve him or herself simply by rotating it in the right direction. (It’s still a good idea to clarify an order here so that it doesn’t get spun back and forth a lot!).
With a runner (better for a rectangular table), platters line up along the middle, and each person can take what is in front of him or her. For this approach to work without having to pick up and move platters, each element of the meal must be within reach of each person, so that might mean having multiple salad bowls and entrée platters.
5. Spark conversation.
This is my favorite part of the meal: bonding with the people I’m eating with! Because I have a weak memory, a recent habit I made is to write down things that happen or ideas throughout the day that I’d like to tell my husband over dinner. It’s always great to ask open-ended questions rather than yes-no questions in order to stimulate a good conversation. So, instead of “How was your day?” (which can easily be answered with “good” or “ok”), try “What kinds of projects did you work on today?” or “What’s something you learned today?” A few families I know have spoken about going around the table and sharing “roses and thorns” of the day — something good and something tough that they experienced. Do whatever feels organic for your dinner crowd; an overly structured system can quickly feel more like an interview than a fun conversation. However you approach it, focus on making people feel at ease and enjoying each other’s company.
Resources
“Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner,” Cheryl Mendelson (Home Comforts)
“Serving Meals,” Cheryl Mendelson (Home Comforts)
